


Orochimaru! Orochimaru! Orochimaru!

by tuxedomarch



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Beetlejuice - Freeform, Beetlejuice AU, Ghosts, Haunting, Murder, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Build, Uke Uchiha Sasuke, more tags to be added later, porn in later chapter dont worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8779330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuxedomarch/pseuds/tuxedomarch
Summary: Naruto and Sasuke are looking for a way to get three well known sand siblings out of Sasuke's house. But will they go to the shadier side of the paranormal to get them out?





	1. The Handbook

Naruto set his duffel bag down in an empty bedroom. 

“It means a lot to me that you're letting me stay here until I get a job and enough money to support myself again.” Naruto said with a sheepish grin.

Sasuke shrugged, “Nobody deserves to be homeless and have their families social security revoked. It isn't morally right.”

Naruto had been working at a minimum wage level job as a waiter, living in a dilapidated apartment. The only stable money he was getting was social security after Minato and Kushina's death to help him pay for his last year of college. But the recently elected political leader revoked the right for children of deceased parents to have their parents social security money for education reasons. So Naruto was working effortlessly to pay his bills and school tuition. Sadly, Naruto lost his job and was evicted from his off campus apartment a month after the social security was revoked.

Naruto grumbled, “Obviously the government doesn't understand that some of us are struggling with finances and you can't just revoke the money someone is using for education.”

Sasuke nodded, at least he ran into Naruto when he did. The day before classes went out before spring break. By the time Sasuke found Naruto, he had been jumping from friends house to friends house and $4.500 in student debt to pay for his entire last semester plus graduation.

That was about 3 months ago, and Naruto has had off-and-on jobs, but nothing too stable for him to move on with life. At least they both graduated from college so he can work on paying off the debt.

Sasuke checked his watch, “It's getting late, I think I'm gonna go to bed.”

Naruto grinned cheekily, “its only 21:12 you wuss. You've been graduated from college for less than two weeks and you're going to bed at 9 at night. How pitiful.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes, “Unlike you, I can't stay up till ungodly hours in the morning doing god knows what.”

“Not even for an hour to watch the season finale of 'Grays Constitution’?~”

“...Only for an hour…”

°•°•°

The next morning, Sasuke rolled over in bed grumbling with a pulsing headache. “I knew I shouldn't have let Naruto keep me up that late last night…” he thought. Shivering from the coldness in his room, he wrapped a blanket around himself and tried sitting up in bed but laid back down on his pillow with a muffled groan from the pain in his head.

Sasuke turned his head to read the clock.

09:42.

Sasuke burrowed into his blankets, it was halfway into the morning and he didn't have work. Luckily he couldn't complain too much, it could give him time to recover from whatever bug he caught last night. Other than the raging headache and him being bitterly cold.

This was definitely Naruto's fault. The blond KNEW how susceptible Sasuke was to getting sick.

There was a slight knock at his bedroom door; he forced himself to sit up, hissing from his head pain, with multiple layers of blankets around him.

“What do you want Naruto?” Sasuke asked, as Naruto slowly staggered into the bedroom.

Naruto dawned his own coat of blankets, clutching his hand tightly on his heart area.

“S-Sasuke, do you ha-have any heart burn medicine?” Naruto asked quietly, his grip tightening on his blankets and his chest.

Sasuke rubbed the temples of his head, “Only if you tell me what the hell you did to me last night!”

Naruto sat at the foot of Sasuke's bed, blanket cocooning himself. “I was gonna ask you the same thing, don't ya know. I don't remember anything from last night.”

“Don't play this game with me now, Naruto.” Sasuke snapped but winced from raising his voice due to head pain, “I have an awful headache and I'm freezing my ass off. What did you do while we were watching TV?!”

Naruto’s face held hurt, but not at Sasuke's words, but at himself for not remembering, “I don't know!! My chest feels like I got stabbed and I'm just as cold as you!” He whined.

Sasuke growled quietly and got up from his bed,”I’m gonna brew some coffee. Then we can sort your mess out.” He left the bedroom with his mass of blankets and headed down stairs with Naruto not too far from him, whining about his chest pains.

Sasuke went into the kitchen and Naruto broke off to use the toilet.

As he finished putting the coffee beans into the machine, Sasuke noticed a book lying on the coffee table in the living room, adjacent to the open kitchen. Sasuke set his blanket on the back of a chair in the kitchen and went over to pick up the book.

It had an old leather over on it and in gold letters was written “Handbook for the Recently Deceased”.

“Tch, Naruto and his stupid books,” Sasuke muttered, studying the book, noting how it doesn't have a summary on the back or an author name printed anywhere on it.

Naruto walked into the living room, looking a bit paler than usual.

“You look like you've seen a ghost,” Sasuke grinned.

Naruto looked into Sasuke's eyes, his big blue eyes looked...lifeless…

“I...I think the mirror is broken,” Naruto said.

“Did you break my mirror?!”

“No! I mean that...I don't see myself in the reflection…”

“You're exaggerating. Maybe we got drunk and you're still on the alcohol side.”

Naruto stuck out his lower lip and turned away from Sasuke, facing the fireplace. His mood that Sasuke has dubbed the “Naruto Flare”.

“Hey wait,” Naruto said, gaining his composure again, “Sasuke, didn't you have photos of your family up here and your clan symbol?” He said pointing the the empty mantle, Sasuke following his pointing.

“Was I robbed?!”

“Bastard, who would break in and want photos of Itachi and a ping pong paddle symbol?”

“It's a fan, not a ping pong paddle, idiot.” 

“All I'm referring to is that like, what if we're dead!”

Sasuke rolled his eyes, “You said that every day of finals, and is this why you have this stupid book?!” He snapped, holding up the “Handbook”.

“I've never seen that book before in my life?”

“Naruto that's bullshit. I know what you're trying to d-”

Sasuke was cut off but the front door opening and in walking a small family a familiar girl.

“This is a lovely home built and owned for the longest time by the Uchiha clan. It dates back to the early 30s making it old but still has a modern feel.” Sakura Haruno introduced.

“Sakura?” Naruto and Sasuke asked in question.

“If it was owned by the Uchiha family for so long, why are they selling it?” A girl with blond hair tied into four pig tails asked.

“I’m not selling! Sakura what the hell are you doing?!” Sasuke yelled, being held back by Naruto

“Ah that's right, Ms. Temari, you and your brothers aren't from around here.” Sakura said, a sad smile forming on her face, “6 months ago Sasuke Uchiha, a close friend of mine, was found murdered here, right in that living room. His best friend, Naruto Uzumaki, was also murdered at the same time.

According to police, at 10:30pm, Naruto and Sasuke were finishing up an episode of TV when Toneri Otsutsuki broke into the home with a gun with intention to kill Naruto because he was dating Hinata Hyuga at the time, and Toneri was jealous, wanting Hinata all to himself even though she was not interested in him.

Toneri startled Sasuke and Naruto, when Sasuke got up to confront Toneri, Sasuke was shot in the head killing him instantly. Naruto jumped to his feet, about to lunge at Toneri but was shot multiple times in the chest and left to bleed out, he died when police got to the scene 10 minutes later.

Toneri was arrested a week later and he's currently awaiting trial.” Sakura finished, shaking to keep her composure after being reminded again about the murder of her two best friends. “The Uchiha family is selling the home because they don't want to be reminded of them losing another family member. And this house holds a gruesome murder for Sasuke Uchiha.”

A man in a black cloak grimaced, “That's disturbing...and this only happened six months ago?” 

Sakura nodded, “That's correct Mr. Kankuro. It does hold a dark recent history, but its low on the market currently and holds everything you, your sister, and your little brother look for in a home.”

Temari frowned a bit, “Gaara, what do you think?” she asked the boy with messy red hair.

“I don't care. This is all pointless.” his monotonous reply.

“Well if you would like, I can give you a detailed tour after lunch and then we can talk about prices possibly?” Sakura asked to the sand trio.

Temari nodded, “That sounds good to me, I’m not too sure if this seems like our type of home…”

The four walked out the door, leaving Naruto and Sasuke in stunned silence.

“You don't think…” Naruto trailed.

“She sounded...pretty sincere….” Sasuke added quietly.

They both slowly looked down at the handbook Sasuke still had in his hands. Sasuke lifted the book up and thumbed it open to the first page.

“Welcome recently deceased!

This is your handbook as a guide to haunting, spooks, and hoots! It has all basic information for your afterlife needs.

If you have any questions or concerns, please head on down to our offices at the edge of the 6th dimension.

If this is your first time reading this handbook, you will need to head down to our main headquarters and get your case arrangements!

Draw a circle anywhere and walk on thru!” it said in the book.

Naruto scratched at the back of his head, “Think we should? I mean I’m having a hard time swallowing all this information at once….I mean, Toneri MURDERED us, Sasuke! SIX MONTHS AGO!”

Sasuke closed the handbook, “It would make sense. We think its only been a night but its been 6 months since the murder. Our view of time is warped.”

Naruto shook his head, “This is all bullshit, I’m outta here Sasuke.” the blonde huffed and went for the front door.

When Naruto opened the door he stopped at the doorway, staring into a vast open desert area. There was something moving along the sand, Naruto couldn't tell what it was from the doorway but he was reluctant to not taking a step further.

Suddenly, a large serpent emerged from the ground. Razor teeth jutting from its mouth, a black and white striped body, and what appeared to be the rinnegan in its eyes.

Naruto screamed and slammed the door as the serpent screeched and lunged for the boy. Naruto held the door shut with all his weight, expecting the serpent to crash thru the home. But it never came.

Sasuke stood in front of Naruto, tapping his foot in annoyance with the handbook open to page two.

“Reminder: you are no longer in the 4th dimension as walked by the living. You are in the beautiful 5th dimension! 

Refrain from going outside. Going outside will send you directly to the outskirts of the 7th dimension where the serpents roam free and their snacks, is unsuspecting ghosts.

You will be fine if you remain indoors to your haunting spaces! Looking out windows is fine too!” Sasuke read aloud from the book.

Naruto sneered, “Wow that would've been helpful 30 seconds ago, don't ya know.”

Naruto quickly got away from the door and snagged the book from Sasuke.

“So we gotta draw a circle? I’m on it.” he said quickly, grabbing a sharpie marker from the kitchen.

Sasuke watched as Naruto hastily drew a large circle on the kitchen wall, not in any mood to pitch a fight.

Naruto stepped back next to Sasuke, both staring at the large circle on the wall.

“We’re...supposed to walk on thru…” Sasuke mumbled, slowly taking a step forward. Naruto clung to Sasuke's arm.

“Whats on the other side?” Naruto whispered.

“Only one way to find out…” Sasuke quietly replied.

They both made their way forward and disappeared into the circle.


	2. Welcome to the Case Office!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke and Naruto find themselves in the caseworkers office, and they finally meet their caseworker!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear after this chapter, everything will be faster paced! Apologies about the very slow build!

There were bright lights everywhere. Flashing, neon lights one after the other.

Naruto and Sasuke kept walking, the lights getting brighter and brighter as they kept moving forward. 3 steps later, the lights suddenly stopped.

Naruto rubbed his eyes, “When they say, ‘go into the light’ they didn't mention it was like a fucking rave.” he mumbled, letting go of his grip on Sasuke's arm.

Sasuke nodded in response and they both looked up at a wooden door with opaque glass that printed, “Deceased Case Work”.

Sasuke thumbed through the handbook, “Seems we’re here.” he said quietly.

Naruto pushed the door open, and walked into the door. He was greeted by a dull waiting room, a very bored looking receptionist, and apathetic people all holding ticket numbers.

“What do you want.” the blonde receptionist asked in a snarky tone, “You're letting out the AC you coming in or what, idiot.”

Sasuke pushed past Naruto and went up the receptionist, “We’re...uhm...new?” Sasuke asked.

“Oh...oh my….you're quite handsome aren't you?~” the receptionist cooed at Sasuke, her entire mood changing.

“...Yeah...uhm...Ino is it?” Sasuke asked, reading the name plate off of the desk.

Ino rested her elbows on the desk, batting her eyelashes, “Aah~ hearing you say my name is music to my ears~” she purred, Sasuke obviously uncomfortable in this situation.

Naruto huffed and pushed Sasuke out of the way, getting into Ino’s face, “We don’t have time for these dumb games. I’m having a hard time believing my friend and I are dead. So if you can just tell us where to go.” he said harshly.

Ino’s smile reverted back into a frown, she turned to her computer. “What's your stupid name?” she spat at Naruto.

“I’m Naruto Uzumaki, believe it!” He stated proudly. “And that bastard is Sasuke Uchiha.” he continued, pointing at Sasuke who huffed at Naruto's attitude.

Ino took her time typing in both Naruto and Sasuke's names into the system, roughly 30 seconds later, a small *ping* came from the computer. 

“Let’s see here.... Naruto Uzumaki, 21 years old and Sasuke Uchiha, 22 years old. Died September 9th by gunshot murder.” Ino read from the screen blandly. “Your caseworker is Kakashi Hatake, when your number is called you can go.” she said, handing Sasuke a numbered card, reading ‘147’.

Naruto turned and grabbed two empty seats, and happily patted the one next to him with a grin plastered on his face, “Sit down Sasuke! Might as well rest up while we can!”

Sasuke’s frown deepened as he reluctantly say next to Naruto, “What? That 2 month nap for you didn't do much?”

“Shut up you bastard. Anyway, how many ahead of us?” Naruto asked, looking at the half full waiting room.

Sasuke looked down at the number card in his hand and up to a dim LED counter. The counter was at 93, *click*, 94.

“There's about 53 more ahead of us.” Sasuke said, looking back at Naruto, who had semi-deflated.

“Man!! That's gonna take forever I’m gonna die of boredom…” he groaned.

“You have all the time in the world, idiot.” Ino responded from behind her desk.

“Plus you're already dead jackass.” a voice responded to him across the room. Sasuke sunk down a bit into his chair, immediately recognizing the voice.

The same voice spoke again, “Well well well, it's Sasuke Uchiha.” Obviously closer.

Naruto scanned the room, but couldn't locate the source of the voice, but Sasuke knew they were looking right at him.

“Hello...Suigetsu…” he murmured, a man with white hair who had been standing against the wall grinned with shark teeth and walked over to Naruto and Sasuke, stopping in front of the Uchiha.

“Didn't expect to see you here, Sas.” he teased with that stupid grin on his face.

Sasuke sat back up, looking lack of emotion as usual. “I expected you to be in hell, not so much limbo.”

Suigetsu chuckled, “Now, that's no way to speak to your friend is it?”

Naruto stared at Suigetsu for a few seconds before all the gears went into place and he suddenly bounced up; yelling at pointing at Suigetsu, “YOU'RE SUIGETSU HOZUKI...THE MURDERER WHO WOULD ALWAYS CHOP OFF HIS VICTIMS LEGS AND THEN DECAPITATE THEM LAST!!!”

“Shut up!! You'll wake the living!!” Ino hissed from her desk, going back a magazine quietly giggling at her own joke.

Suigetsu stared at Naruto wide eyed for a few seconds in shock before going back to his usual sly demeanor, “Yeah man.”

“SASUKE YOU KNOW THIS GUY?!” Naruto exasperated.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, “He was my training buddy when I took judo. He pretty much leeched onto me, much like you did.” Sasuke explained to Naruto, who looked like he was about to hit the floor.

Suigetsu smiled widely, exposing more shark teeth, “You're an Uzumaki right? Your cousin and my best friend, Karin, had the hots for this dude right here.” he laughed.

“Of all the people in the afterlife, why did it have to be you?” Sasuke sighed. “Go drown in a pool of souls.” he groaned.

Suigetsu continued to smile, “Would if I could, yet here I am! Death by poison here.”

The ticker changed numbers, #110.

Suigetsu looked at the ticker, “Ah well it was good seein ya again Sas, but I gotta run.” he turned and walked thru another wooden door with the same decal as the front but this door said “Cases #000-#100”.

Naruto, leaned back in his chair, “Geez Sasuke. We’ve been friends for almost 10 years and I had no clue you knew the murderer Suigetsu…”

Sasuke stared straight ahead, “Remember in high school how I ran away for 2 years after my brothers death?”

Naruto tilted his head, “Yeah, no one found you till Valentines day of our junior year and you somehow ended up on the other end of the country.”

“well I got looped into a…..bad crowd if you must. Not good people, not those that would hurt me, but wouldn't hesitate to murder others.” Sasuke explained, “I just don't wanna run into any of them here. Then it'll be even more awkward.”

Naruto looked up at back at the monitor, #123. A young man with a black bowl cut stood, holding one of his severed limbs in his hand as he too disappeared into the doors.

“So...this is the afterlife huh?” Naruto asked, still staring up at the ceiling.

Sasuke looked over at Naruto questioningly, “What do you mean?”

“Afterlife is basically the DMV: the pissed off receptionist, the creepy people waiting, long ass lines, and caseworkers.” Naruto explained, “I was expecting, ya know, the pearly gates?” he said, lowering his voice not to get judged by the deceased who had been there for decades. “I’ve never been so disappointed with death, considering how familiar I am with it.” Naruto said in his normal voice, chuckling a little bit.

Sasuke soaked up Naruto's words. He reflected on both of their lives and remembered both had been familiar friends of death. Sasuke's older brother and Naruto's parents. “Guess the after life has gained another Uchiha and Uzumaki, wouldn't you say?” Sasuke said with a dejected sigh. 

“You're preaching to the choir kids,” Ino interjected from her desk, lifting up her arms to show long vertical scars on her arms, “We all didn't think death would be a crappy social work office but here we are.” she said boredly, resuming her magazine. 

“She's beginning to get on my nerves…” Sasuke grumbled.

Naruto glanced up at the LED counter and grinned, “Our turn! It’s our number now!” he said, bouncing up out of the chair and up to the main desk where Ino was.

Naruto slammed the little paper on her desk, startling her and a few other people waiting, “Now where do we go, Blondie!” Naruto demanded, Ino’s surprised look morphed into a pissed off look and she turned to look at the computer monitor, “Your case is #639. 2nd to last door on the left, and you’re blonde too you asshole.” she hissed at Naruto, angrily hiding her face in her magazine.

Both Naruto and Sasuke got to the door and pushed it open, inside a long hallway that seemed to go on forever, littered with numerous doors.

“Geez, how are we going to find anything in this place?” Naruto sighed as they started walking down the hallway. Sasuke shrugged in response, “What the hell?” Sasuke said, turning to look out a window in the hall.

Green ghosts floated lazily all outside the window, one drifting upwards and its eyes sunk directly into Sasuke’s and Naruto’s souls, when suddenly a curtain snapped shut to close the window.

A rumbly voice mumbled “Lost souls room. These are the ghosts that have been exorcised. It’s death for the death.” The owner of the voice pushed at their feet with the broom they were holding, “now move along, nothing to see there.”

“What friendly people here.” Naruto whispered to Sasuke as they approached their caseworkers door. 

With a simple knock on the door, there was no answer. Sasuke shrugged his shoulders to Naruto and slowly opened the door, “Hello? We’re here because you’re our case worker?” Sasuke asked, opening the door more.

The man sitting at his desk had a mask covering his mouth, his right eye had a deep scar, and his hair was extremely puffy and silver. He also appeared to be engrossed in a book with the title is a man chasing after a lady.

“Excuse me?” Sasuke repeated and the man still ignored them.

Naruto looked at the nameplate on the desk, “Kakashi Hatake”.

“YO. MR. KAKASHI!” Naruto yelled, slamming his hand down on the desk, scaring the man to drop his book.

Kakashi sat there stunned for a few seconds before gaining his composure back, “Oh hello! You must be the newly wed couple! Do sit down!”

Sasuke and Naruto blushed then fumed, “WE AREN’T A NEWLY WED COUPLE!”

Kakashi brushed it off with a handwave, “My mistake, a longly wed couple. So what can I do for you?”

**Author's Note:**

> The social security Naruto is talking about refers to Reagan in 1980-1981 when he removed students from using deceased parents social security to pay for their education because Reagan wanted that money to be kept in the government or to people that needed the money more than the students.
> 
> An American history lesson for yall in a naruto fanfic.


End file.
